Favorite Hello and Hardest Goodbye

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“I want to be your favorite hello and hardest goodbye.” I saw the quote on Pinterest tonight, and it stuck in my head. Everyone wants that, right? That’s the definition of love, respect, and importance. But, as I delve into my heart to question my favorite hello and hardest goodbye…I am led to two different people. And, in all honesty, the answer is very complicated and probably something that is not expected. Let me explain…
My hardest goodbye has come many times, once far before my favorite hello. I have thought about this so much lately, yet it all began at the age of 15. Referencing my story in progress, my relationship with my high school sweetheart is best explained in these words:
Most high school girls have a sweetheart, and I was no exception. His name was Matt Putnam. My blue-eyed football player was a fluke that I met during a tutoring session for Math. That fluke just so happened to lead me on a 3 year rollercoaster of a relationship that I thought, at the time, my whole life depended upon.
First loves always know how to capture a girl’s heart in just the right spot: that little giddy, sick portion that makes her feel like she’s on top of the world one minute and being thrown off a cliff the next. That was my relationship with Matt Putnam. Though we had some great times in the 3 years of high school relationship we had together, that “cliff” feeling overrode any promising future.
Matt knew me from the inside out—my quirks, my dreams, my beliefs. He accepted every bit of me and encouraged me in times that I had no one else to fall back on. He was not only my boyfriend, but the best friend I ever had. Matt and I said goodbye for the first time in 2005. I left for my now-ex-husband, who I thought was my stability. Matt attended my high school graduation after the fact, and I will forever remember the way he hugged me and sobbed. He met up with me a couple of times that summer and left me flowers at the house that I was staying. We could never truly break it off. There was a connection there that never left, even when I became pregnant with a baby that was not his. We still continued to meet, like time and distance didn’t stop our feelings. But, I knew it had to end:
“We…cried to each other over the mess we were in. This was what it was like to face real life. There was no getting out of it this time, we had to be over. Nothing felt wrong about what I had done with him…Nothing. I still loved him, and I believe I always will. If I would have chosen him that day, I would have never went back. But, I faced responsibility; swallowed my feelings; and returned to Scott.”
We fought over the computer, the bitterness getting the best of us, and I wrote him this letter:
“You…know that I don’t hate you; for some reason, I can’t…Right now, though, I’m numb. I don’t care what happens right now. I want all this to be over…all the fighting…I wish all this didn’t happen; I do. On the contrary, all this did. We aren’t that couple that everyone expected would be the first to marry anymore. We’re real now; welcome to the real world. This hurts, and it probably will never get better…Good night, Matt.”
Scott and I moved, and I got a couple of visits from Matt. I won’t say that there weren’t things that happened, but we knew where we stood. We tried to be friends after my marriage ended, but there was always a barrier that held us apart. The feelings were too bitter, and too much pain was in the middle of what could have always been. It was clearly not meant to be for us, and we both live very different lives now. Matt has moved on, with a wife and 3 children, and I have done the same, with a husband and two boys. I have made it a point to not speak to Matt in quite some time, but I always wish him the best. For reasons I may never understand, he will always be my hardest goodbye…
My favorite hello was when my first child was born. Jesse was the existence and driving force that I never knew I had in me, until I met his eyes. Those eyes changed my life forever. I write about him in my story as well:
Dear Jesse,
The day I found out I was pregnant with you was the most amazing and scary time I have ever experienced. Bringing you into this world was the beginning of a sweeping change in my life I could have never predicted. If only I would have known what was in store for us when you were born……
If only what? You know…through the heaven and hell we have experienced, I would do it all over again just to relive each moment that I have been blessed to have with you.
Each and every second I have spent with you has shaped my life into the person I am now. You have brought me elation, frustration, joy, fear, exhaustion, triumphs, terrors, and every other emotion I could imagine—through yourself or our situation we have found ourselves in, I can safely say I have never loved anybody the way that I love you; from the moment I laid eyes on you…I knew you were my destiny.
It’s amazing: When I look into your eyes I see myself reflected. I live through the sequence of events you experience as you grow, as I feel they are connected to my own heart. Through you, I have found strength unlike anything I ever realized I possessed. Always remember: “You are my sunshine.”
There is so much to say of what I have been through with Jesse. We have witnessed life’s hardships together and struggled to stay afloat. He, as a mere child, has kept my strength through situations I could have never imagined I would live through. That little boy is my life, and I am amazed each and every day that I was given the honor of bringing him into this world. He is, and will always be, my favorite hello because I knew from the first moment I laid eyes on him that my life would never be the same.
So, I know this post is going to be more controversial than many of my other posts. However, I have found in time that I really don’t give a shit. Sitting here in this lonely house each and every day makes me relive many of my life’s experiences, and I am sick and tired of having to hide them for the sake of what everyone else expects me to behave like. This is my blog. I have one thing that I can call my own and share with the world. I am embracing it with everything that I have, for it is my lifeline.

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