Through the life of commotion I have lived thus far, I spend much of my time reflecting—mostly on the past and present, as the future scares me. It holds questions that I cannot answer, a life unknown. Where will I be when my kids are grown? Will I find a life outside of motherhood? How will my marriage be?
Today, I am allowing myself to look ahead…Let’s say: 20 years. What will my life be like, when I am almost 48? My kids would be 28 and 25, a hard thought to swallow as I raise these little boys now. They’ll be on their own, and I will be left with building my life again.
The most fearful part of looking ahead 20 years is that I am at a loss for how I would spend my time. My kids dominate my existence. I stay home, as a visitation nightmare with my oldest makes me feel that I have no other choice. As a result, I lack job experience and socialization. I have a Bachelor degree in Criminal Justice, but that is probably already useless with my lack of first-hand experience in the field.
My closest friends are long-gone, as a chose a responsible life over a daring one. It’s hard to make friends now because Celiac gets in the way of many get-togethers and events. Aside from that, I am not at liberty to leave my children.
Even my marriage was built around children, as Quentin and I began dating when Jesse was just one year old. We married when Kayden was almost a year old so a life with children is all that we knew to form a relationship around.
Ideally, my life in 20 years would be one of content. As Jesse and Kayden find their callings and build their own lives, I would understand that my decision to devote my time to them proved to be nothing short of invaluable. Maybe there would be a vaccine out to control my disease, making a social life more approachable. I would also love to volunteer my time again at an animal shelter. In addition to that, I do believe I will always have a “zoo” of my own at home to keep me company!
Quentin and I have survived a marriage that has gone through some of the most stressful times that one can imagine. As the kids age, I hope that we are able to experience time with each other so that we may bond as a couple. I’ve held out hope that his work schedule will be less trying and that perhaps he will find a job closer to our area. Who knows, maybe we will move to a new area—one that is warmer and has more opportunities.
I know that there will come a day that I will look back on my life at this time with an understanding that I cannot fathom at present. I just hope that, with my reflections now, I can learn from the cards that I have been dealt…and play them to their fullest. Time will pass, whether I am ready or not.