Reflections and the Future

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Through the life of commotion I have lived thus far, I spend much of my time reflecting—mostly on the past and present, as the future scares me.  It holds questions that I cannot answer, a life unknown.  Where will I be when my kids are grown?  Will I find a life outside of motherhood?  How will my marriage be?

Today, I am allowing myself to look ahead…Let’s say: 20 years.  What will my life be like, when I am almost 48?  My kids would be 28 and 25, a hard thought to swallow as I raise these little boys now.  They’ll be on their own, and I will be left with building my life again.

The most fearful part of looking ahead 20 years is that I am at a loss for how I would spend my time.  My kids dominate my existence.  I stay home, as a visitation nightmare with my oldest makes me feel that I have no other choice.  As a result, I lack job experience and socialization.  I have a Bachelor degree in Criminal Justice, but that is probably already useless with my lack of first-hand experience in the field.

My closest friends are long-gone, as a chose a responsible life over a daring one.  It’s hard to make friends now because Celiac gets in the way of many get-togethers and events.  Aside from that, I am not at liberty to leave my children.

Even my marriage was built around children, as Quentin and I began dating when Jesse was just one year old.  We married when Kayden was almost a year old so a life with children is all that we knew to form a relationship around.

Ideally, my life in 20 years would be one of content.  As Jesse and Kayden find their callings and build their own lives, I would understand that my decision to devote my time to them proved to be nothing short of invaluable.  Maybe there would be a vaccine out to control my disease, making a social life more approachable.  I would also love to volunteer my time again at an animal shelter.  In addition to that, I do believe I will always have a “zoo” of my own at home to keep me company!

Quentin and I have survived a marriage that has gone through some of the most stressful times that one can imagine. As the kids age, I hope that we are able to experience time with each other so that we may bond as a couple.  I’ve held out hope that his work schedule will be less trying and that perhaps he will find a job closer to our area.  Who knows, maybe we will move to a new area—one that is warmer and has more opportunities.

I know that there will come a day that I will look back on my life at this time with an understanding that I cannot fathom at present.  I just hope that, with my reflections now, I can learn from the cards that I have been dealt…and play them to their fullest.  Time will pass, whether I am ready or not.

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