Nighttime scares the hell out of me because it holds an illusion that is forced upon us every 24 hours of our lives. It’s the only time that an unseen mirror can burn your eyes at the sight of your own life, without the faintest light to show the picture. We’re meant to black out and forget it all, when the night evolves from day. But, I fight like hell.
Because I still see that mirror, and I still feel that pain. I will never find it in my soul to begin to understand the way that your minds fire and smother to ashes, like clockwork. I wouldn’t know how to stop, and I wouldn’t care to. Mere sake of schedule, exhaustion, or the compliance of the world beneath my feet—my thoughts are the standing ground for everything that I am, despite what I am told. It never stops, and I have the human body that contradicts itself by allowing it all to happen.
For I was born to see beyond it all. I was born to see, as well as feel the grays beneath your black and white. Everything that we are told is fake and insubstantial to the bigger picture. That truth has resonated in my soul for as long as I can remember, and it has gained strength with the tests of time. This curse and blessing are not lost on me, for I know the purpose: It lies beneath my wandering pen…
As I was cleaning the other day, I found myself dusting off my forgotten yearbooks from high school. It has been almost 10 years since graduation, and these books have moved with me through the countless residences I have found myself in. Though I have made it a point to hang onto the memories hidden behind each book’s bindings, I could not for the life of me remember the last time I let myself read the words that were inside. Sitting in the living room of my now stable household, with my husband at work and my kids at school, I opened the pages that would bring me back to a place that taught me so much about myself.
As adults, it’s so easy to get caught up in life’s stresses. We lose ourselves too often, and our world is filled with endless tasks and responsibilities that bury that person we once were. My yearbook relives my crazy antics, my caring personality, and my talented writing. It is raw; it is humorous; and it is sentimental. I learned that I was not afraid to be myself, get crazy, and love uncontrollably. There are completely inappropriate references, but they add to the story of a girl who was never afraid to get out and live life to its fullest.
I couldn’t help myself from copying many of the quotes from my yearbooks, all the way from 7th to 12th grade. I left out names for the most part so I guess I’ll leave you to wonder. Ten years later, I am finally ready to pack these babies away. That day in my living room reminded me of myself, something that has been so hard to hold onto through the years. By sharing this special part of my life with everyone, I hope that I can encourage some of you to dig out your own memories from early on. Like me, you may find yourself laughing, startled, or even in tears…but you won’t regret a second of it.
- “Have fun for the next 4 years of CHS! Don’t get too many guys!”
- “Hi I hope you don’t go nuts!”
- “Have as much fun as you can when you can alright.”
- “Hey good luck in school, yeah right! Good luck w/ guys. Just have fun.”
- “You’re a good friend, even though you can be a little weird sometimes. Have a good year and get good grades. And don’t get into any trouble!”
- “Stay out of trouble, but have as much fun as you can this year!!!”
- “Hey doll! Keep having as much fun as you do + never forget all the crazy times we’ve had! (you know what I mean) I hope we’ll always be Matt’s (Lamont) “close friends”!
- “FU, Try to stay out of trouble! Good luck in plane G and enjoy your time @ CHS…”
- “Stay out of trouble or at least don’t get cought. Have fun”
- “Have a good year and stay out of trouble!”
- “Good luck with you and Brian or Josh. And luck with school.”
- “Hey we’ve had some great times together (don’t forget)”
- “Have a good year. Have lots of fun. Try to stay out of trouble.”
- “What is up my sister? Hope you have a great couple of years at CHS. Remember when we went nigger knocking in Leroy. And don’t forget sneaking around in Josh’s house (hehehe)”
- “I hope you have a great freshman year and we don’t fail Bio. Haha! She’s so boring. Stay weird + be good!! I MEAN IT!!”
- “Samantha, a lovely young lady”
- “you’ve always been there 4 me, even if you were drunk! Lol, But I hope we stay friends through out the rest of our lives + I wish you a wonderful life for your next 4 years here at CHS!”
- “Reach for those starz and STAY OUT OF TROUBLE! (Like you would get in trouble, right?) ;)”
- “Take good care of your breasts. Good luck in Bed. Make your partner ware a condom you can never be to careful.”
- “Don’t do nothing stupid!”
- “Trust me—4 as long as I live I will never ever forget our wonderful times in LeRoy! Bushes, dirt bikes, small children, not so small children, Pedro, you kno what I mean! We’ll always be friends + no matter what I’ll always be there 4 you + so will Krista.”
- “I hope you have a great 4 years at CHS. And good luck w/ your poems, who knows maybe someday I’ll see your name in Barnes + Nobels J”
- “Hey it’s me. I know we’ve had our good + bad times, mostly good times. Never forget all the things we’ve been through together, because I won’t. You’re the best girlfriend I ever had, the best looking one to. Just remember no matter what happens between us that I loved you + I will always love you from this day until the end off my life.”
- “Don’t ever forget the times in LeRoy and playing Hide + Seek with the gang. Keep writing those poems of yours.”
- “You will always be mashed Potato Head! P.S. Remember to always, always, always to wear underwear!”
- “Hope you don’t end up in jail (j/k) Don’t 4get LeRoy + Hide + Seek or the dugout. Keep writing those poems.”
- “You are my everything I love you with all my heart This will last forever Love forever + always, Your Matt”
- “Youre an awesome sis. J We have a lot of memories together. 😉 Never forget when I was a ‘stupid 7th grader,’ and you taught me and my friends to ‘grind’ @ the dance! J HAHAHEHE! :p Thankx 2 you + Tits, I don’t have virgin eyes anymore! Thanx 4 bein there 4 me!”
- “Hope you have a fun year. And remember to bring an extra pencil to History class.”
- “Well, you are such a smart, beautiful, and kind person. You should be very proud of yourself and all your accomplishments.”
- “Word of advice Don’t step into a pile of shit.”
- “Hope you have fun the rest of your school years. Don’t forget to PARTY!! Just remember my knee at lunch”
- “Hey hun never forget about LeRoy + our *Baths*. I love you! I hope you + Matt have a lot of fun together don’t do anything I wouldn’t do *No limits* *Sis for life*”
- “Thanks for all the lotion during algebra!! Because of you, I don’t have dry skin!!”
- “I hope you have a good time, you always do.”
- “You and Matt are cute together, good luck with that! + I suppose I’ll leave you with one Leroy rule…*Swim in your bathtub, it keeps you in touch with the world down under!*”
- “Have a good one-sexy (Shawn)”
- “Nice mink! Good luck w/ everything! (Geometry in particular) + keep yourself outta trouble!”
- “Never forget the times in Geometry when we were taking tests/quizzes and we bet each other who is gunna fail! Lol! Priceless! Heehee Well, don’t get caught! Lol!”
- “Remember all the good times in LeRoy!”
- “Have a good year and you’re a little princess”
- “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times-It was pd 1 Geometry! MWAH! Love ya 4-ever and a day!”
- “I love you more then anything in the world Your Bubba Geometry must be hard”
- “Have fun and remember everything you did. Also remember everyone. Hope you have lots of fun. Good luck with Bubba. (lol)”
- “remember all of the good times in chorus! And our army crawl! Never forget me! Have fun! Wait you always do!”
- “Have fun with whoever you F***”
- “You’re a cool person and I hope you enjoy your last couple years at CHS!”
- “I won’t say ‘have fun’ because I am sure you will. J Keep working hard. You are a very interesting friend.”
- “Hey lady hope you have a great summer! And keep the hook-ups to a minimum! J/K Have fun with whatever or should I say whoever?”
- “Behave! (Nah!) Just be yourself, have fun, try not to get in too much trouble. Stay away from psycho white bunnies. Try not to get Amber in too much trouble either! J But hey, it’s all good!”
- “LeRoy Rulez”
- “Be safe on your bike!”
- “Hey wats up, hey have fun this summer + maybe we’ll hook up”
- “Have fun with the guys! (lol) Have fun the next few year at CHS! Try not to get into to much trouble! (yeah right)”
- “Yo-What’s up have a good summer remember way back when? Lateron”
- “You are a good friend and a super sumo wrestler! Have fun!”
- “have a fun summer, and try to behave with the boys! J”
- “You a bad girl. Don’t change”
- “Sam, (F.U.) Good luck with the guys, don’t murder my boyfriend, invest in plastic surgery for your cat, but most of all-have fun. Don’t get into trouble + pass geometry, ok?”
- “Have ‘fun’ w/ Matt! J”
- “You’re the awesomest! (even if you are a little weird J)”
- “Stick to your goals + stay out of trouble!”
- “You have a great life ahead of you!”
- “Have fun w/ Bubba, Peeper, + Nate! You sweet skanky bitch! Lol”
- “Good luck in all that you do, you’re a very sweet girl! Friends Always!”
- “Hope you have a great year. And don’t forget about our boob grabbing fests or the secret organization. We have lots of good memories. You are a very good friend. Your friend forever Tamara”
- “BS, I don’t wanna hear bout your lesbian activity. *Ahem* Keep your pants buttoned + wipe your face. Watch out for cats.”
- “Keep writing your poems, you are good at it!”
- “Never forget all the things we did in World Lit. Stay your weird lil’ self.”
- “have a good summer and don’t forget me HAHA”
- “Show Choir with you is my only association with you, thank God! Kidding, you are great!”
- “Your awesome to work with!!! Gotta love Subway! Stay cool chicka”
- “don’t let Matt P. get you____you fill in the blanks”
- “You’re a great friend!”
- “Remember all the good times in World Lit.”
- “Look at the kitty.”
- “You are a very talented person, but you already know that. I can’t wait till ‘Eternity’ is published so I ca tell everyone that I used to know the author. Lol. Anyways, good luck and stay unique!! I love Mrs. Wynne”
- “Have fun this summer + don’t get into trouble. J”
- “Ya, have a good one up on the hill. We are almost our of here! Can’t wait.”
- “Remember all the good times skipping class and making fun of everyone. I’ll always love ya!”
- “Good luck w/ Matt + everything else. Rock on at Subway!”
- “Never forget the ‘great’ times at Subway.”
- “Enjoy the rest of High School, be good, pass math, go to college, name a child after me…ok, Don’t name a child after me-It’s a bad name. BTW-Sorry about the chocolate on the back cover ;)”
- “You are so cool + I love talking 2 u about our love life!”
- “I love you!!”
- “You rock!”
- “We’ve made it this far, looks like most of LeRoy will actually graduate!”
- “I’m going to jam my thumb in your butthole now! Now that is gay. Lmao I love you with all my heart and I will never stop loving you. Love, Bunny”
- “Albino What can I really say bout ya…hmm…TAKE A DAMN MIDOL!! J When you’re not spazzin on me for bein a “skank” I guess you’re ok. Good luck w/ Mateo. Do me a favor and spare me w/ the stories of “zeus.” It’s wrong. Never 4 get all the times on the good ‘ol bus #17. Wait. It’s GAY. J Don’t 4get to introduce me to sum hot guyz… ;)”
- “You’re definitely one interesting cookie”
- “Video Tech would have sucked without you!”
- “Hey HEAD, Whats goin on, hope you have a good year Shaggy Monkey”
- “You are a great person.”
- “Big Daddy Gowin”
- “Hey, I love you! We had some great times getting drunk, playing strip twister, and our trips to Charlies. You’re an awesome person…I’m gonna miss you after graduation.”
- “Borderline Midget, The memories we’ve had I’ll never forget and remember if everything fails my love will always be hear for you”
- “Now you know we all love Subway. You have a lot of talent w/ your writing, I think you will be very successful in your career. You’re a very unique person…Never change!!”
- “We’ve had some awesome memories together! Our homemade twister board, Barclay Cemetary, me calling Sabrina. Oh boy, you n’ me getting scared so easily. We have to have more + think of more ways to torture Sabrina. Haha We will have fun. Im glad we have become such good friends! Your awesome, never change! Always keep the mooning + orgasms going!-haha-“
- “I hope to many hot + steamy times in chorus w/ you!”
- “You’ve been wonderful to me! Thank you so much for being such a fucking sweet heart. Always remember you are a wonderful + gorgeous person and don’t ever EVER let a boy make you feel any less about yourself, even your boyfriend.”
- “have lots of fun with Mr. Snufflelufigis”
- “My arm will always be here for you, with lots of love. I will always love you, your personality, and of course…the sex! Lol SMF Love forever and always Your Matt”
- “Remember, don’t play with dish soap or flour-filled balloons!”
- I’ll always miss ya and our Leroy times! Stay true to yourself and behave!”
- “Good luck and remember all the fun ‘in and out trips’ to Acorn. Be yourself, good luck, and behave!”
- “You are you and that’s a good thing. Never change + never forget your own worth.”
- “Leroy 4 ever. Have an excellent life chicky.”
- “Hey hun don’t ever forget me.”
- “Hey it’s been real.”
- “I’m so glad I got to have class with you because you make it so much fun!”
- “You’re awesome, don’t ever change!” “I hope that all your dreams come true.”
I have to apologize: I have become lax on my blog in the last couple of days. I threw a surprise party for Quentin’s 30th birthday party and spent today with shopping, a movie, and preparations for events to come. The end of our summer is busy this year, and I am fighting to balance everything at once.
If I am absent, please know that my writing does not leave me. I think about this part of my life multiple times a day. My existence revolves around speaking my mind in the most vivid sense that words can accomplish. This is my calling, and I will grasp to it regardless of the trials and tribulations that my life pitches to me.
Awhile back, I posted a goal of writing in this blog every day. I have found this to be my way of keeping tabs on the dream of a talent that has always rested in my soul. But, I realize today that this goal is far from realistic. No matter how much I feel that writing calls my name, I cannot put that pause on life that is needed to accommodate both worlds. Instead, I will promise that I will make a valid attempt each day to make a contribution to my life in writing. If there is a lapse in posts, do not think for a minute that I have walked away. Turning my back is not an option…and I will always return.
Life is weird. Tonight, I am thinking about all of the places I’ve been—the hardships, the trials, the triumphs. I feel like I have a million stories and don’t know where to begin.
Tonight, I am watching my husband. We are at the dining room table—something exquisite I would have never owned in my previous life. He is reviewing plans for work, and I am waiting for bed. I don’t have the status he has because life never gave me that. I don’t have the peace of mind that everything is good now. I just have me. I know that I have gone through all of these things and survived. I know that I am still here…to fight another day.
I have things that most could only dream of. I have a wonderful family. But, my life story has not changed.
I am still that girl. I am still the one who dreamed of writing as a career. I feel it in my veins each and every day. Writing is my escape from the madness, and the sensation I receive from pouring my thoughts into tangible existence is indescribable.
I want so much more than I have been handed. I get it; everybody does. But my feelings are different. I long for a life that is not my own. My children are my treasures. My house, my husband…It all looks amazing from the exterior. But, it was never my dream.
I wanted my name on the cover of a hardcover book. I wanted to walk into that book store, remove it from the shelf, and know that my worth was on paper. I wanted everyone to see that I wasn’t bullshitting all this time. I want recognition for what has been hidden all of these years.
No one ever questioned my life before. They shrouded it, like some dirty secret. But, my mind lives it every day. I dream of that awful life—the pain, the insecurity, the unknown. I still live it, with no escape. My history is my enemy and my haven, all at the same time. It dominates the way I live my life today, but it is what pushes me to continue to write.
My story resides on this computer—in the midst of this seemingly idealistic life. My real story lurks beneath all of the fairy tales. I am still that girl. I cannot run from the things that made me who I am today, good or bad. I cannot pretend to be a different person in a household that feels so foreign.
I embrace my past, for it was the turning point that brought me to this life…
Haunted is the best way to describe what I feel each day. I am running from a past that I cannot escape, but the chase has gone on for so long that I couldn’t imagine who I would be without those difficult experiences. Is this how it works? Is this how writers thrive?
EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.